• Ayanna J.

Accepting Loss

My grandmother was my best friend. She was my go to person and she always gave me the best advice, even if it was unintentional. On September 10th she entered the world and on September 10th, 2020, she left. Such a diva to come and go on her own terms. I’m missing her daily, it’s crazy, but I know she wouldn’t want me to sit and cry about her life.

Since March her health was on a decline and in the summer it really started becoming more serious. With me living in Albany at the time, working full time and crazy hours, it was impossible for me to really get the time to come to the city to be with her and my family. It put me in a slight depression, knowing that I was so far away and unable to change her situation. I started to hate living in Albany, and pandemic or not, I was ready to grab all my shit and leave. I applied for grad school on a whim, because I knew if I moved back to the city, finding a job would be difficult, but I didn’t want to just be idle. Ayanna J. Designs is a business that is slow and steady and doesn’t provide me with income daily, but I couldn’t just sit on my ass at home. Luckily for me, I got accepted into school and I am currently doing what I love! I am pursuing my Masters in Professional Studies with a specialization in Public Relations.

It’s crazy because I put in my two weeks at my job, however my mother called me about a serious decline in my grandmothers health about 3 days before my official quitting date. So, with barely anything in my suitcase, I left and never looked back. I needed to be with my grandma, and I am so so glad I was able to be there with her when she took her final breath.

Dealing with loss is fucking hard, to be quite honest with you guys. I don’t think I’ll ever be okay with knowing that she is no longer physically with me, but I will make strides to do so.

“People are experiences and they do not belong to me” is a quote I read from a Twitter thread that has begun to seriously resonate with me.

People are meant to be experienced. You are supposed to learn from people. Whether the relationship is platonic, romantic, familial, whatever, it is meant to give you some insight about life. You live and you learn, as cliche as that may sound. An experience can be positive or negative, too! Don’t forget that! You should always walk away from someone or something knowing more than you came in with. If it’s a bad breakup, you should learn what you will and won’t tolerate for next time. If it’s a positive friendship, you should learn how to be a better friend to the next person. Things like that. Although I no longer have my grandmother, I have learned so much from experiencing her in this lifetime. She has taught me independence, she has taught me how to cook, she has taught me how to curse people out lol, she has taught me about fine jewelry and fashion and so much more. This quote gives me satisfaction in knowing that there is always something good underlying.

The rest of the tweet was just as important for me as well. I often try not to let the things I see on social media cloud my judgment but I completely agreed with her. Shit won’t go my way, it’s life! Things will work out in my favor from any direction, it just takes time! And everything and everyone is not out to get me, so stop taking shit so personally. Just live my life, and enjoy the experiences. It’s ultimately what will make me, me.


Ayanna J