Ms. Ayanna J's take on why dating within this generation is more of a battle than a victory.
Being in my 20 somethings and having my own dealings with men, or even watching my friends go through their situational issues has often left me confused. The biggest question I often find myself asking is why does dating feel like a chore? I go on social media and see “black screen talk” from women and men alike who throw their subliminal messages about what their - future - partner should be like or what their - current - partner is lacking, among a whole bunch of empty nothings, gifs and emojis. It’s pointless.
Dating has often left me feeling hopeless. A big what’s the point? N*ggas ain’t shit! I’m better on my own! & if it’s meant to be it’ll be. That mindset alone is tiring, fr. I do want to experience a relationship with someone that feels like home. I want to date someone that gets it! But within today’s current dating scene, I see that it’s going to be way more difficult than I had hoped for. So why? Why is dating soooo difficult?
1) Double Standards: Men and women hold each other to certain standards out of the others own personal bias and belief, and 9/10 it’s never out of a justifiable fairness. “A man is always to be the provider”, “my girl can’t have ‘bro’s’”... so on and so forth.
These double standards ultimately prove for many to be deal breakers within people’s connections. I’m not even gonna lie, it’s happened to me & I’ve done it as well. Ion like when a guy in every girl face... auto turn off for me, & my - ex - didn’t want me to have ANY guy friends, deal breaker for him (red flag for me). We hold one another to certain standards but we’re able to do those things or would let it rock if our friend did it and that’s deadass wack and unfortunate.
2) Perfection: The perfectionist ideal is one I come across more often than none. I won’t speak for everyone (I know some of y’all agree) but I know that we all have this vision in our minds of how shit should go or should be. In my mind, it SHOULD be the getting to know you, calling/texting, going on dates, relationship. Boom. But today? We’re stuck lol. This perfect vision can ultimately alter someone’s view of the person they are dealing with and cause them to end things once they see that things are actually not going as (they’ve) planned. Disappointed but not surprised.
Another point to add into perfection is that what we see is not always what WE get. We tend to see these social media couples or celebrity couples posted up with these glamorous, “goals” pictures. In reality, their relationships aren’t even goals... it just looks good on camera. We truly never know what issues these couples face but due to the glorified images, we’re conditioned to assume that they don’t have any, life is great for them, and shit is peachy. Bye.
3) No Rush: By no rush, I literally mean that. People are becoming more comfortable and complacent with being in this gray area of “you not my boo... but you my boo”. It tends to lead people into this web of never ending situationships... This ‘understanding’ or ‘we just vibe’. Get a fucking grip and be realistic? Who really wants to be 26 and “vibing”? I believe in titles, so you may or may not agree with this and that’s ok. But I’m almost 23 and I don’t want to be sitting here “talking” to A, B, & C. It gets redundant and draining. And don’t get me wrong, some people can fully operate and function doing relationship shit without the title or relationship aspect, so if that works for you then go ahead and do your thing! But I would still prefer the security of knowing that once we are locked in, you can and will be held accountable and vice versa.
My biggest pet peeve within this phase is that people are still doing them (rightfully so), because there is no title. They aren’t tied down, free to do whatever they wanna do, and the first bit of one catching feelings frightens the other, which makes everything even more cautious and slow. “You not even my girl tho...” A constant competition of who can care the least. People don’t want to speak out on shit that bothers them for fears of overstepping their boundaries. No ma’am. If something is bothering you, speak tf up. If you don’t see a relationship or some sort of version of that down the line with the person you are dealing with... what are you really doing?
4) Competition: Competition is exactly what it is. Harsh reality is that whoever you fuck with is definitely fucking with other people so go ahead and do you, sis (sis is interchangeable btw).
People (myself included) sometimes are subconsciously incapable of dealing with someone knowing that they aren’t the only one in the long run... it happens. People start catching feelings, more emotional attachment... and it becomes a choice you ultimately have to make, whether you’re willing to stick it out and “compete” or dip. Within the “talking phase”, be realistic. You cannot be mad at anyone if you ask them to be honest and they tell you “yes I fuck wit other people”, especially if you’re doing the same. That’s just absurd.
5) Meaningless Sex: It’s just sex. Dating becomes watered down today when sex is just more accessible. People are getting straight to the point (judgement free zone fr).
Casual sex or meaningless sex is allowing people to just add sex into whatever equation they have, with no strings attached. It becomes complicated once one party decides they want more than the other is willing to offer. “Whatever, we already fucked” mentality also can negatively effect ones self esteem. They’ll feel as if the other was only “in it” for sex, got what they wanted, and dipped. Is it a possibility? Unfortunately yes, but it does not always have to be the case. Sometimes, sex complicates things. Sex does NOT put you at a higher position in the other persons roster. Don’t ever think that (especially because they can be having sex elsewhere, but that’s another convo for another day)... Be sure to protect yourself in whatever you decide to do.
6) Ghosting: Ghosting - cutting someone off without explanation. Once people feel like they’re done, what’s done is done, or it’s a dub... they “go ghost”. Replies go from scarce to rare to none, leaving the other party (the one who got ghosted) con-fucking-fused. People can hide behind the “whatever idc” mask all day but sis, you care. Nobody wants to be ghosted.
Communication seems to lack within this age of ‘dating’ as people feel like they don’t need to explain themselves. Sometimes it really just is what it is and two parties come to a mutual ghosting situation, stop reaching out to the other and let it naturally die down.
So as draining as dating may sound to me, or as hopeless as I had become... I decided to take things with a grain of salt and take time. Now that I know what I like, dislike, and refuse to tolerate, I don’t stay in situations longer than I feel I should. We grown, and everyone isn’t going to compromise. Why stick around knowing that things aren’t going to change?
I’m ultimately using this time to really find myself and figure myself out. Whoever’s around is definitely appreciated, but I’m weeding it out and knowing the difference between pointless and substance. I’m not seeking a relationship, but I’m optimistic and open to the idea. Ain’t no point of sitting around hating the opposite sex and talking down on them because of a few bad encounters (so don’t take lil n*ggas ain’t shit jokes serious LMAOOOOOO).
It is what it is.