• Ayanna J.

(in)Secure.


(disclaimer: this is a more personal post)

Dealing with/battling insecurity is one of the toughest obstacles that I have overcame in my life thus far. this isn’t a sob story, it’s my truth. Let me tell you one thing, insecurity is one hell of a feeling... it can make you insane and it can make you do the dumbest things.

I’ve always been on the chubbier side, and in comparison to my friends, I always felt huge. Big, large, grand, any word you can think of, I felt it. I would tell myself every day “if you were skinny, you’d be so much prettier, much more appealing”.

Red Flag #1 of insecurity is comparison. Stop comparing yourself to others. you are YOU, you are who you are meant to be, and people are either going to like you or not, and that is ok. You should never feel as if you have to be, act, look a certain way for any form of acceptance. Only acceptance you need is from yourself.

I tried it all to be skinny. I didn’t have the drive to work out, and that’s MY issue. I tried waist training (which actually did work a bit), flat tummy teas and all the get quick fit fads you see the Instagram models promote. I used to starve myself, which would make me feel drained all through the day, and I suffered from daily migraines. I would force myself to throw up every so often, to the point that I cannot standddd to even hear someone gag. I tried eating salad 24/7. Everything. I even ordered diet pills, but they made me feel lightheaded and drowsy so I stopped taking them.

Now, along with this, I started to want the acceptance of others and would feel slighted when I didn’t “fit in”.

Red Flag #2 Wanting to fit in, is a no no. This thing called life is a complicated puzzle. Your piece will fit where it’s destined to be. Don’t try to force it to fit if it doesn’t.


For me, this was more of a “I want everyone to like me” kind of insecurity. I wanted to fit in with everyone, and I would even dim myself down in the light of others so that I could. Looking back, I can laugh at the fact that I would even consider diminishing the quality of myself as an individual to belong into a group. I’m glad i can say that I can always be myself and know that whoever feels me will stay down and stay around and those that don’t will not make me want them to.

Another insecurity came with relationships. Dealing with boys is already hard enough as a teenager, but it’s worse when you begin to feel as if you have to do certain things or be a certain way for someone to truly love you.

Red Flag #3 “Why don’t you love me?” Never lose yourself or compromise yourself for the love you think you deserve from others. They will love you for you, they will cherish you, and the big, great love you are constantly seeking for is out there, and will come to you in due time. Always trust the timing.


I’ve found myself becoming emotionally exhausted from the type of guys I’ve dealt with. Things just don’t work out how I want them to, and I would always think it had something to do with me. Maybe, there was something so wrong with me that I was incapable of finding and keeping a ‘man’. tip: a man who wants you, and wants to be with you, will always let that be known. trust your gut, believe their actions, and listen to their words. Stop trying to save something that’s already dying out, it just becomes messy and overwhelming. We’re young, we have time to find a love. find that love inside first. How you treat yourself and love yourself shows others just how much of them you will not tolerate.

Self-love is essential. Self-love is a necessity. Self-love is a key to life/a way of life. It is the way to live a happy and healthy life. In all aspects. Look back at your previous situations and learn how to combat and grow from them. Mine was insecurity. Insecurity had me in such a deep, dark place I thought I would never see the “light”, so I sought my own way out of that hole until I could finally see the light. If you told me a few years ago, that I would love every single inch of myself inside and out, I probably would’ve never believed you. Now? You can’t stop me. I love me, I’m working on me, I’m getting to know me more and more every day, I’m enjoying my own solitude, and I am me, as authentic as can be. It was a long, extensive journey to get here but I did it, and so can you. Things just take time. Take your time and grow.


Xo,

Ayanna J


©2018 by Ms. Ayanna J.

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