• Ayanna J.

The Comeback Kid.

* cue the clown music *

So this morning, I was in the shower, which is really my “me” time, and I was thinking... damn, I keep on dealing with these confused ass guys. Confused. Dumb. Irking. All of that. And what’s the reoccurring factor or issue with this? It’s me. I continue to allow the same trash energy to enter and re-enter my life, and I can only blame myself for this. See, I’m the type of person who thinks “damn, maybe people do change...” but the sad reality is this: if they have changed, great, but most of the time they just change the way that they play the game.

I had this mentality where I’d rather give one person 100 chances instead of giving 100 people one chance (ok, number exaggeration). But the sad reality is that you’ll never know what you’re getting yourself into on both ends of the spectrum. Did he change? Is it an act? Is meeting someone new what’s best for me? You’ll never TRULY know.

I’ve come to the realization that this is why I continue to deal with the repetition of problems in my life... I ALLOW it to come back. You know the saying “if you love something, let it go & it’ll find its way back to you” or something like that. I always assume that maybe a second time will be the charm, or the thirds... the fourth... the fifth... shit, and it just proves why the first time didn’t work. We tend to sit here and point the finger and blame those persons for the reasons that we suffer or that we succumb to sadness/unhappiness when it is us. We are the only factors allowing for negativity to enhance our emotional outlook because we don’t take a second to process and understand that this... whatever this is, AINT IT.

He greased me once before, he ain’t gonna grease me again? It’s sad because we see these things in social media where we think that love is a test and a twisted journey of who hurts who the most and the ultimate understanding of love comes from forgiveness, but that doesn’t have to be the case, it shouldn't ever be the case. Someone who truly loves you could never put you in such a position to hurt you.

Read that twice.

True love does not ever ever have to amount to suffering, pain, or heartache. I never quite understood the notion that in order to make something last, we have to be accepting of everything, including all the fucked up things a person could do to us. NO. You shouldn’t and do not have to tolerate anything that is below you or the standards you’ve set for yourself. Anything that is meant for you, will be for you. There’s no need to sit and cry hoping someone will get their act together. You don’t have to take it.

Allow yourself to seek out new opportunities and see other people. Keep on running back to the same old same old just let’s them know “I got her on lock, she always gon take me back” and they’ll keep doing their shit. I’ve been there, experienced it, and it took me some time to really process it.

Whatever I’m seeking in you, I can find in someone better. In due time, yes, but for now, I won’t sit here and allow you to become a detriment to me. It saddens me to see how young women can get caught into this web of “I love him, I love him, you wouldn’t understand” because they barely understand. You’re hurting yourself more sticking it out than being on your own. Independent queen, you are capable. & listen to me... they ALWAYS come running back.

We just make life more complicated because we give them the key to the door to come right on back. You know better, but you continue to go back to what’s familiar to you... a fear of the unknown so to speak.

A message to myself and to everyone: stop preparing the comeback kid for his return.


Ayanna J